Every year at the Oregon State Fair they have a "crafter's tent" with various and assorted creators of handmade things. Two years ago there was actually a boat builder (so he claimed) that was trying as hard as possible to meet these specs. It did look terrible... He called himself "Captain Jim". In fairness to the guy, he was actually letting kids stick strips on and staple them, and probably cut the canoe up for firewood when the fair was over. But that wasnt what the display said.

: By far the best security is to build a boat so ugly nobody would want to
: steal it. This would include hundreds of extra staple holes, especially on
: the front deck. (be sure and use the big electrical staples or drywall
: screws). The gaps in the wood (make sure there are lots of them and they
: are large) should be filled with wood filler or spackling compound but if
: using wood filler try extra hard not to match the colors. DO NOT fill the
: large staple holes, let the resin soak in so the cloth goes dry over them,
: it won't affect the structural integrity and will look terrible.

: The boat should be built from scraps left over from other projects (no piece
: should be over 3' in length and again try extra hard not to match colors).
: You could probably collect enough leftover scraps of wood for free from
: other boatbuilders. Before epoxying sand the hull with either 40 or 60
: grit sandpaper so you get big swirly marks.

: Some other tips: Rub your hands on the boat so the oil from your hands gets
: all over it. When vacuming it off make sure to rub the hose tip on the
: wood real hard, it leaves really ugly marks when the epoxy is applied.
: When epoxying make sure to leave lots of small air bubbles (cool the room
: to 50 degrees and just before applying the epoxy heat the room up to 80,
: this will create enough gassing off to create great air bubbles). For the
: finishing touch, make sure you have lots of amine blush left on the hull
: when you varnish so the varnish cracks and peels.

: Some design considerations could be: Hatches should be off center and fractal
: shaped with tons of extra bungie tiedowns. In fact the rear deck should be
: almost hidden by all the bungie. The cockpit should be made from a
: mountain bike tire covered with cloth and epoxy. As you proceed you will
: come up with some ugly ideas of your own... experiment...have fun.

: Basically just take all the advice you have read on this board and ignore it.